Cathexis
by Nesabj
Summary: Lieutenant Uhura finds herself at the center of things after a particularly difficult mission


**Cathexis**

"I need a vacation. I need a vacation right now. I need a vacation or I'm going to explode." Bent over her communication's console, Lieutenant Uhura muttered the words to herself until they became a kind of litany. Over and over. "I need a vacation. Now!" 

She concentrated furiously on her work as she talked to herself. So complete was her preoccupation that she didn't hear the hiss of the turbolift doors as they opened. She didn't notice as Mr. Spock entered the bridge and turned to her station. 

"Lieutenant Uhura?" 

Uhura straightened in surprise. As she looked up, she saw the Vulcan first officer of the Enterprise standing over her holding a communication disk. 

"Were you speaking to me?" queried Mr. Spock.

"No, sir. I was just..." Uhura realized that there was no way to explain her words. She also realized that Mr. Spock was perfectly capable of hearing what she had intended to be private. Apparently, he was not the only one, judging from the grins that her shipmates tried to hide. "Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Spock?" she asked innocently, deciding that offense was her best defense.

"Yes, Lieutenant. Could you code and send this as per the instructions on the disk? It is of a personal nature and should not take precedence over ship's business."

Lieutenant Uhura, who was known for keeping her composure during all manner of red alerts, who had fought hand to hand with aliens from all over the galaxy, who sang confidently in front of audiences that often included dignitaries and politicians, was speechless. In the nearly three years that she had served with Mr. Spock onboard the Enterprise, he had never before asked her to send a personal communication. She took a breath and worked furiously to keep the surprise out of her voice.

"Of course, sir. There are several other personal comm disks that still need to be coded and sent. That's why I'm working off shift. I'll be happy to look after yours as well."

Spock leveled his gaze at the lieutenant. He nodded once. "That will be satisfactory. I shall be in my quarters if you have any difficulties." Without another word, the first officer turned and left the bridge. 

Now, what was going on? To whom was their very private first officer sending a personal message? Uhura could feel the scrutiny, the questions from the others on the bridge. They were questions that she would never answer. The communications officer bent her head down to her comm board to avoid looking at her fellow officers. None of the senior bridge staff were still on duty, but the second watch officers were every bit as aware as she how unusual Spock's action was.

As senior communications officer, Lieutenant Uhura was the one person on the ship who saw all transmissions that came in and out of the Enterprise. Her job required her to access every piece of information, personal or official, and to dispose of each in the appropriate manner. This was an enormous responsibility that sometimes cut her off from her friends and shipmates. She understood that sometimes her friends found her distant, even removed, as she retreated behind her "hailing frequencies open" persona. She hoped that they understood that it was her way of protecting them and herself from all that she knew and couldn't share.

Uhura knew Starfleet's orders before the captain did. She read every love letter that was sent from the ship, and she was the first to know when tragedy befell a shipmate's family or friends. She knew who didn't send personal communications. She also knew who never received them. And, hardest of all, she had to be completely circumspect about the enormous flow of information that she was privy to. 

The lieutenant handled her job with complete assurance, and usually she was able to keep a certain distance from the material that she witnessed, but there were days when the job took its toll on her. Uhura had spent more than a few nights alone in her cabin silently grieving over a loss suffered by one of her shipmates, unable to publicly acknowledge that grief. Some days, usually after a particularly dangerous mission, Uhura had difficulty separating her own thoughts from the disparate impressions that her crewmates communicated in their messages. But, this never stopped her from facing her next shift with a calm poise that belied any inner turmoil she might feel. Uhura did not have the reputation of being the best communication's officer in the fleet for nothing. 

This had been one of those days. Uhura could still hear the Romulan commander's cold, unfeeling voice announce that Captain Kirk was dead. She had been on the bridge when the Romulan's ship-to-ship had come in. Uhura had once again been the first to hear. She listened as life on the Enterprise seemed to change forever. She felt as if a chasm had opened up under her feet. All the warmth and light leached out of the bridge as Uhura sat at her station, dazed and shivering. The view screen showed the Enterprise surrounded by Romulan ships, in the Neutral Zone. Mr. Spock was on one of those Romulan ships, apparently conspiring with the Romulans. The captain was dead. The Enterprise was about to be destroyed. Endless queries came from all decks of the ship. She put her fears aside and answered as best she could. She continued to try to decipher the coded messages coming and going from the Romulan ships. 

Uhura did her job, but she could not control her thoughts. The inescapable truth was that the one person who might be able to salvage this mess was dead. No one was indispensable. She knew that. But, Captain Kirk had pulled the Enterprise though during some pretty desperate situations. She had taken it for granted that he would always be there to keep them safe. Now he was dead, and they would probably all soon follow. Still, she did her job.

Then, as suddenly as it had begun, it was over. Captain Kirk sat in his command chair wearing those ridiculous ears, joking with Spock who was supposed to have killed him. Dr. McCoy, who had watched one of his best friends murder the other, kept making jokes about the captain's ears, and even Spock joined in. They escaped the Neutral Zone by another of Captain Kirk's famous bluffs, and all seemed right with the world. Except that Lieutenant Uhura could not shake the feeling that they had all come very close to disaster. They almost lost the center of the life they had built on the Enterprise. If the captain had died, nothing would ever be the same for them. She couldn't decide how she felt about that. Uhura had served on other ships before, with other captains, but none of them were like the Enterprise and Captain Kirk.

She reflected that she was not alone in feeling this way. In the last eight hours no fewer than twenty-seven of her crewmates had written personal communications to friends, lovers, parents. She wouldn't leave her post until she had viewed and coded them all, and sent them on their way to the various ships, starbases and planets where their recipients lived. She was nearly done with her work, and when she finished Uhura looked forward to a few quiet hours resting and thinking about what they had all been through. 

Dr. McCoy had written Joanna. That in itself wasn't unusual. He wrote his daughter at least once a month. But the content of the doctor's disk was very different from his normal newsy and humorous missives. Usually, the doctor went to great lengths to protect his daughter from the reality of his life onboard the Enterprise. In fact, Uhura had forwarded more than a few messages from Joanna complaining that he still treated her like a child. She often reminded her father that she was a grown woman, a medical student, who had experienced more than her own share of difficulties. This particular argument had resonated with Uhura whose own parents had too long persisted in treating her like a child. Uhura reflected that Dr. McCoy seemed to have finally understood Joanna's complaint for this message certainly spared his daughter nothing.

McCoy's disk told about his terror and anger when he believed that Spock had murdered his captain. He confessed to Joanna that he had wanted to turn on the Vulcan, to kill him. Dr. McCoy, that most gentle and compassionate healer, who would risk his own life to save that of any creature, enemy, or friend, had wanted to kill to avenge the loss of the captain. It was inconceivable to him that he was capable of those feelings. It made him evaluate just what he felt for Jim Kirk. Uhura felt a rush of sympathy for the doctor as she recalled how McCoy groped for the words to tell his daughter how much he truly valued the man who was his captain. McCoy had told Joanna that although he was sorry that they were not together, as long as Jim Kirk needed him, the doctor would stay on board the Enterprise. Uhura felt a lump form in her throat as she recalled the pain in the doctor's voice. She understood that he was confessing to his only child that the captain was truly the center of his life. Uhura silently hoped that Joanna would understand that this was not a rejection of her, but a declaration of devotion to the man who had saved them all again and again.

Hikaru Sulu had sent a disk to a woman at Starbase 12. Sulu had never mentioned her to any of his friends, but from the tone of his words it sounded as if he was pretty serious about her. He spoke of some intimate moments they had shared on his last leave. They must have discussed his leaving the Enterprise, perhaps serving aboard another ship together. Uhura had felt a moment of surprise on hearing this. She and Sulu were close, yet he had never so much as dropped a hint about these plans. But plans change, as he told his friend. He told her that watching the ends to which Captain Kirk was willing to go to carry out his mission made Sulu realize that he was not ready to leave the Enterprise. He needed to understand how one man could inspire a crew to go to the lengths that they had. He wanted to be able to command the unquestioned loyalty that this crew gives to their captain. He told her that he was sorry, but that he still had too much to learn from Captain Kirk to leave the Enterprise. He hoped she would understand. He hoped that she would wait for him a little longer. But, if she didn't, he hoped she understood that he couldn't leave the captain.

Lieutenant Kyle had written his mother back on Earth. He had been at the center of the situation since the captain chose him to man the transporters during their mission. Kyle saw the captain and Mr. Spock beam onto the Romulan ship. He saw Dr. McCoy beam back to the Enterprise with the lifeless body of the captain. He beamed Captain Kirk back onto the enemy ship disguised as a Romulan and transported him to the Enterprise with the cloaking device. Uhura reflected that in some ways Kyle's job was like hers. He witnessed so much of what went on aboard the Enterprise, and he too could not speak of it. Kyle seemed so quiet, but Uhura wondered if that was just a cover. Like her distance, was Kyle also keeping himself separate as a part of his duty?

Apparently Kyle had been offered a teaching position at Starfleet Academy. His mother was elderly, and wanted her son to be stationed closer to her. Kyle's tone was gentle and sensitive, just as Uhura would have expected. He explained to his mother how much it meant to him that he was entrusted with the responsibility of his senior officers' lives. After the cloaking device had been installed, the captain had taken the time to thank Kyle personally for bringing them all home safely. Captain Kirk had said that he might not have accepted the mission if he had not had such confidence in Kyle's ability to work magic with the transporter. Magic. Uhura reflected that the captain worked magic with his crew. He made them all so much more than they were. 

Kyle told his mother that he could not leave someone who valued his work so much. He also told his mother that if anything ever happened to Captain Kirk because he was not at the transporter controls, he would never be able to forgive himself. She had raised him to do the right thing. Kyle hoped his mother understood. The right thing for Kyle was to stay at the controls of the Enterprise's transporter so that he could bring her crew home safely. 

Uhura paused in her coding. She looked at Mr. Spock's message. Curiosity nearly got the better of her, but she still had two more disks to code and send before she could get to work on the Vulcan's message. The swish of the turbolift doors interrupted her musings.

She glanced up to see Captain Kirk enter the bridge. She could see the tender pink welts on his ears where the doctor had just removed the plastiskin, and she wondered about the conversation he must have had with Dr. McCoy. The captain rubbed his right ear. He grinned at her and lifted an eyebrow.

"Lieutenant, isn't this past your bedtime?" His voice was soft so that only she could hear.

"Well, yes sir, Captain, but for some reason the comm traffic is unusually heavy tonight." 

They had often discussed the fact that after some of their more dangerous missions the crew felt the need to try to reach those they were close to. Captain Kirk had repeatedly expressed his gratitude that she was willing to stay at her post to make sure that those communications were sent as quickly as possible. One of the more ironic aspects of her job was that Uhura could not talk to the captain about the contents of those messages. She wondered if he realized that he figured so prominently in most. She hoped that he understood his crew's devotion to him, because she could never divulge her knowledge of their feelings.

The captain handed her a disk. As he reached over to Uhura's console, she looked at him closely. There were heavy shadows under his eyes and he looked drawn and tired. She realized that the captain probably had not slept in days and would not until he had satisfied himself that every last detail had been taken care of. She knew his pattern. His crew and his ship always came first, then his reports, and then he might rest. 

"I hate to do this to you, but could you code and send this to Starfleet? It's my report and I know they're waiting to read it." Kirk tried rather unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn.

Uhura took the disk that he proffered and smiled up at her captain. "It looks like I'm not the only one up past my bedtime, sir. I'll look after this immediately."

Captain Kirk seemed to relax as he handed over the last bit of his duty to his communications officer. "Thanks Uhura. Maybe now we can all get some sleep. We won't be at Starbase 12 for debriefing for three days. I hope we'll get some down time before we arrive. It's been a rough few days for all of us. Maybe worst for you. I know you've been at the center of things again. Was the comm traffic manageable while I was...away?"

Uhura couldn't help but grimace at her captain's choice of words. "Away, sir. I thought permanently."

He looked chagrined and she thought, not for the first time, that he was so young to carry so much responsibility on his back.

"I'm really sorry that we had to put everyone through that, but if the Romulans hadn't believed that Spock killed me, we wouldn't have been able to buy time to get the cloaking device."

Uhura nodded. "I know, sir. But, it was hard to think that..." The communications officer was struck by the irony of being unable to communicate her feelings. Then she felt her captain's hand on her arm and knew that he understood how she felt.

"Goodnight, Uhura. Please don't work too long and take tomorrow's shift off. You deserve it. I'll notify Mr. Spock that Palmer will take your shift."

"Thank you. Goodnight, Captain. And, sir, it feels very good to be able to say that."

Uhura bent to her work and didn't watch as the captain left the bridge after wishing the second watch a good evening. She still had three disks to code after she finished sending the captain's report.

Captain Kirk's report to Starfleet headquarters was brisk and to the point. He expressed his anger that the Enterprise and her crew had been placed in danger in order to steal a piece of Romulan hardware. This was apparently an old argument, but the captain seemed to feel that he had to make his opinion clear one more time. Uhura marveled at the fact that Captain Kirk ignored politics and military protocol when it came to the welfare of his ship and crew. He expressed the opinion that the Enterprise has been endangered needlessly for a device that would be obsolete the moment that the Romulans realized Starfleet had it. The captain's report had commendations for Kyle, McCoy, Spock, Scott, and herself. He requested orders for the disposition of the Romulan commander, and requested shore leave for the crew. There was a detailed analysis of the Romulan ship that he had been on, with an amazing amount of tactical information that Uhura suspected would be more valuable than the device that he had risked his life to obtain. There was no mention in the report of how close to death he had come. Uhura sighed, coded the report, and sent it on its way. She wished that she could attach her own view of the mission to the Captain's account. Starfleet wouldn't appreciate a communications officer's opinion and she knew it, but the captain's report did not advise his superiors just how close they had all come to disaster. And how the captain had saved them. Again.

The next two disks, Mr. Scott's and Ensign Rocia Walker's, both were short and to the point. Scotty wrote to his sister. She had just given birth to a son, Peter. Scotty congratulated her and said that he would try to get leave to visit. He didn't mention the mission to her, but said that he found it increasingly difficult to get away from the ship. He told her that his captain was a very demanding man and needed his engines to be in top form. Uhura chuckled at that. She knew that Scotty felt that he had finally found a captain who loved his ship as much as he did. He wouldn't leave Kirk or the Enterprise unless he was ordered to. Which the captain had done a time or two, just to get Scott to take some time off. 

Ensign Walker's disk, to her fiancée who was stationed on the USS Hood, made Uhura smile. Walker was a quiet woman who enjoyed her work, and who was well liked by her colleagues. She worked in the Science labs, reporting to Mr. Spock. Her specialty was in bioelectric stasis fieldwork, an esoteric area of study that few understood. Walker worked directly with Mr. Scott during the installation of the cloaking device and saw first hand the risks that her senior officers had taken to obtain that piece of Romulan technology. Uhura was surprised to learn that Ensign Walker had told her fiancée that she would not be leaving the Enterprise, as he apparently had wanted her to. He would have to transfer aboard if he wanted them to work together. The ensign told him that the work she was doing onboard was too important for her to abandon. It seems that the captain had stopped into the science labs on his way to Sickbay to have his ears remodeled. He had thanked Walker for her quick work in connecting the cloaking device. He made the ensign feel that she had saved all of their lives. Captain Kirk had let her understand how much difference one person could make in the success or failure of a mission. Walker told her fiancée that was a lesson she would never forget and that if he wanted to learn from the best that Starfleet had to offer, he had better come aboard the Enterprise so that he could serve with this captain, too. 

Since she had been the recipient of countless examples of the captain's consideration for others, Uhura was not really surprised by Walker's disk. The captain didn't consider his missions completed until he had personally attended to every person who had been a part of them. As Uhura hastily coded the message and sent it on its way, she wondered how soon a request for transfer from the Hood would arrive. Only one more disk remained. She was terribly tired, but she knew that she'd never be able to rest until Mr. Spock's mysterious disk was on its way. Uhura entered the disk into her console and gasped.

The disk could not have been more simple or straightforward. Much like its author. It was addressed to Amanda, wife of Sarek. Shi Kahr, Vulcan. Mr. Spock's voice, low and with a warmth that took Uhura by surprise, spoke. 

"Mother, when last we spoke on the way to Babel, you remarked that I was fortunate to have Captain Kirk as a friend. You said that he seemed more like a brother than a friend. At the time I did not understand. I do now. Spock."

Uhura felt a tear well up. With a small shake she controlled herself. She was just tired. It had been a hellish few days and she needed to rest. That off-shift that the captain arranged sounded better and better. Quickly and efficiently she coded Mr. Spock's message and sent it on its way. Uhura could not help wondering what Amanda's response would be to her son's message. She hoped that Spock's mother would understand the layers of caring and closeness that her son was acknowledging. She hoped that Amanda would realize how far Spock had come to be able to make such an admission to her. And, she hoped that Spock would find some way to say those words to his captain.

Wearily, Uhura stood up and released the communications console to her counterpart on duty. She needed to be alone. She needed to process and then to forget everything that she had seen and heard. Her friends, her crewmates, had expressed their feelings, their innermost thoughts and she had been privileged to witness them. Now she would put them away. And, when she saw her friends she would act as though none of their words had moved her. As if nothing that they had said remained with her. But, that was not true. For, Uhura realized that they all shared a secret. They all saw their lives on the Enterprise revolve around a single man, who put his life on the line for them, who fought for them and who kept them safe. She longed to talk to each of them about how they felt. She wanted to tell the captain about his place in each of their lives. But, she could not. She would just carry all of those secrets inside her and she would keep on doing her job.

The End

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